Here Is A Slacker’s Guide To New Year’s Resolutions In Amarillo
Every year some guru, talk show host, and magazine article tries to entice you into making a better version of yourself in the new year. If you’re already pretty awesome, or just don’t want to put in the effort, here are some resolutions you can keep without trying.
After all, according to many experts the secret to success is setting achievable goals. These goals are even easier than that.
Resolve to breathe every, single, day. In fact, you can resolve to breathe all day, every day. Then when some mouthy self-help idiot asks you how your resolutions are going, you can tell them they’re going great and then let a deep breath out in an annoyed sigh. The only time this will be tough is when the smell of cattle money is wafting through the air in Amarillo, or you’re pulling into Borger. Be strong, and don’t forget to breathe.
Don’t make resolutions about what you’re going to eat, just resolve to eat. You can eat a little. You can eat a lot. You’ll get no judgement from me. And let’s all be real with ourselves. Daily meal prep works great until real life gets in the way. Diets are awesome until they start sucking the will to live out of you. Screw it. Just eat and be happy.
This one is locked up if you live anywhere in Amarillo. Construction is going to guarantee that you’re going to have to take a detour at least once this year. You’ll probably have to do it a lot more than that.
A lot of self-help hippies claim that taking a break from social media is exactly what the quack-doctor ordered. Let’s get real. You’re not going to go without social media. Who else is going to roast restaurant service on some Facebook group if not you? Who will enlighten the social media masses as to why we need Trump, or why we need him gone, if not you? Instead, resolve to think about getting rid of social media. We all talk about how much we hate Facebook, but still use it. This one is already in the bag.
Cleanliness is godliness, or something like that. Resolve to wash any funk from your body, then take a shower and check it off your list. Throw in brushing your teeth for good measure. Feels good to keep your resolutions, doesn’t it?
It can be from your mother, wife, husband, bill collector, foreign IRS agents, or anyone you can’t be bothered to actually speak with. You’re going to do it anyway. Make it a resolution and feel great the next time you deny a phone call.
Studies have shown that cursing and yelling are actually healthy and go a long way toward relieving stress. Forget turning the other cheek. Go ahead and speak your mind when you get cut off on I-40 when two lanes merge into one and traffic slows to school-zone speeds. Check it off the list. Just be sure you keep it within legal limits. Going to jail is not one of the resolutions that slackers abide by.
When someone asks you to do something for the second or third time, tell them that you’re getting to it. The trick is that you aren’t getting to it. You’re having “me” time, which is important. It is emotionally healthy. This usually is easiest when it comes to taking out trash or doing dishes. Consider this resolution done.
This one is the easiest. It takes everything else on the list and sums it up into one. Resolve to not change. Resolve to be true to yourself by staying just how you are. You somehow managed to survive 2018. Why would you change anything? This is the nuclear option of slacker resolutions. Be the ultimate slacker and just sum it all up in one and mark it off the list.